Occasionally, from tragedy, something new and magnificent is born into this world. Throughout the current worldwide crisis and raging meltdown, Seeroi Sensei stayed locked down and got busy, until the inevitable happened. And so it’s with great pleasure that I’m able to announce the delivery of Ken’s first.
Book, that is. He doesn’t have a name yet, but we’re expecting him in late June. From all indications, he’ll be a healthy 10 inches tall and weigh approximately 1.2 pounds. He’ll be available for sale on Amazon, as all offspring should be. Stay tuned for further details.
When it Rains Rainbows, it Pours
And then recently, another surprising development, uh, developed.
So Japanese students always ask, “What’s your dream?” That’s because we teach them this phrase in English class, and they think it’s a normal question. Anyway, for several years now, my answer’s been, “to be a Japanese teacher.” And that’s true. Teaching Japanese would be the culmination of years of pointlessly hard work studying this obscure language.
Because you know, if you live in Japan and look like me, people are always asking “Are you an English teacher?” Like there’s no other job a white guy could do. Well, okay, so that’s actually true, but still, it’d be nice to have another reply. And to be able to say, “The hell, I teach Japanese” would surely blow some minds. Although I’d say it in Japanese, so it’d sound polite.
Living the Dream in Japan
Somebody once said, You gotta be careful what you wish for. Actually, I’m pretty sure I said that. Whatever, it’s true. So last week, I got a Zoom call from a language school I work for, and they were like, “Seeroi Sensei, we’d like you to teach a couple more classes.”
“Cross my palm with silver,” I replied. I mean hey, I live one floor above poverty, and I’ve seen what’s down there, so my weekly to-do list starts with “Avoid starving to death.” But of course they didn’t understand that, so I had to rephrase it as, “Could you kindly provide some details regarding the position?”
“Yes,” they said, “we’d like you to teach Japanese, online.”
And I was like, “Is my camera not working? You can see my face, right? Round eyes, high nose…”
“The students are adult foreigners. We think you’d be great.”
Of course I’d be. When is Ken Seeroi not? That’s rhetorical; don’t feel you need to answer. But my guess is they called every single Japanese person in the nation first, until they were finally like, “Ah jeez, guess we’re gonna have to go with the white guy.”
“Let me check my schedule,” I said.
Google Calendar in Japanese
Ultimately, I didn’t take it, because when I consulted Google Calendar in Japanese, turns out somebody’d blocked off Thursday nights until infinity with “drink BEER,” in English. So I was like, Well maybe Friday…strange…same thing. Wait a minute, every night’s blocked off! Must’ve done that when I was drunk. Stupid Japanese Google Calendar.
So while teaching Japanese sounded weirdly prestigious, like a Japanese dream come true, it also seemed like a lot of work, which is in direct conflict with my life goals of improving my tan and putting off till tomorrow what I could do today. So between holding English classes, hanging out with dubious women in shady bars, writing a blog, and now my new baby, I figured I had enough on my plate. Gotta be careful what you wish for in Japan, because you just might get it, is what I’ve learned.