Is Japan Safe? Not Quite…

The Importance of Knowing What to be Afraid of

One of the things I like best about Japan is that it’s so incredibly safe. I mean, sort of. Like, you can stumble half crocked up to the ATM at midnight, take out a couple hundred buck’s worth of yen, and then float your way to a darts bar without a care in the world. That’s a bar where you play darts, which I guess is kind of dangerous in its own right, especially after a few cocktails. But at least it’s not the U.S., where you have to barricade yourself into your house with an assault rifle, to protect yourself from everyone else who’s got an assault rifle. But you know, price of freedom and all that. Continue reading “Is Japan Safe? Not Quite…”

Four New Rules for Running in Japan

Japan’s a reasonably good place to head out for a little exercise, assuming you’re into that sort of thing. I personally enjoy indulging in “the fitness” myself, as I’ve found that it burns off potato chips while simultaneously making beer taste all that much better afterwards. So that’s a win-win. At the same time, I feel it’s my civic duty, as President of Japan, to point out some real dangers associated with running here. Continue reading “Four New Rules for Running in Japan”

Japan Wins Every Sport in Winter Olympics

Last week, I ate school lunch in the staff room, sitting at a table with plates full of mini omelets, rice, daikon salad, and some goo of tofu mixed with beans, which is rather redundant, if you think about it. Well, probably best not to think about it, actually. Plus a slice of orange for desert.

“Seeroi sensei,” asked the school nurse in Japanese, “Do you like green tea?”

“Yeah sure,” I said. I mean, who doesn’t like tea?

And they all laughed. Continue reading “Japan Wins Every Sport in Winter Olympics”

Japanese Snack Bars and Some Tough Love

So here I am rushing home from my Japanese grocery store last month, and it’s dark out and I’m carrying bags and bags full rice and vegetables and seafood. This is all part of my new diet plan, whereby I eat healthily by schlepping home nutritious groceries, which also counts as exercise. So that’s a win-win. Anyway, the road’s got no sidewalks and it was a dangerous sensory overload of headlights and engine noise as I hugged the buildings to my left and clutched all these plastic bags in front of me so they didn’t get smacked by a Honda or Nissan or something.

Then as I was hurrying, I passed a small Japanese child, crying like mad. Continue reading “Japanese Snack Bars and Some Tough Love”

Why I Hate the Internet

For some peculiar reason, the universe decided to stop functioning exactly two days ago. After my latest article about The Best Japanese Website, many people had trouble reaching this site, including me. It was like somebody kicked the plug out of the back of the internet, so that instead of being greeted with my unique brand of deliciously shochu-fueled writings, there was a slightly less welcoming

Internal Server Error

followed by some gobbledygook about contacting some fictional server administrator somewhere. Continue reading “Why I Hate the Internet”