Japan Versus America – Who Wins?

Every year, I like to play a little game called “Could I Ever Live in America Again?” That’s where I board a plane in Tokyo, have about ten tiny in-flight wines, watch every movie ever made, then get off in sunny California and ask myself, “Well, how ’bout it, Seeroi?” It’s a pretty self-explanatory game, I guess, but I enjoy it.

Japanese refer to the country as either “The U.S.A.,” which is cute, or simply “America,” since anything south of San Diego clearly doesn’t count. Nothing but fish tacos and cactus there anyway. And you’re not fooling anyone with your donkeys painted like zebras, you know. Continue reading “Japan Versus America – Who Wins?”

Sleeping in Japan

Going out Friday night is great, because it’s like your weekend is three days long instead of two. That’s an extra 80%. I use math to make all important decisions in my life.

So late one Friday night, I found myself going to a club with Dave and Eri. Dave’s super-power is speaking English, which means that you can actually have a conversation with the guy. Eri’s super-power is drinking everything in sight and weighing 90 pounds, which means she falls down a lot. Continue reading “Sleeping in Japan”

The Cost of Living in Japan

The problem with life is that it’s not a thousand years long. I mean, they say Japanese men live to be 80. That’s not actually that lengthy, at least compared to eternity. So I plan on staying here until the morning of my 80th birthday, then moving to Korea. Pure genius. It’s kind of like if you’re in an elevator crash, but jump up right before it hits the ground. Saaaaafe. A friend of mine’s buddy did that, and he was fine. Heh, and people say I’m simple. We’ll see who’s laughing when I move back a week later. Suckers. Continue reading “The Cost of Living in Japan”

New Nihonjin? App Identifies Japanese Faces

If you’re a Japanese person (that is, real Japanese, not just like some Korean guy born in Japan), then you know how frustrating it is. Every day, you’re surrounded by crowds of people, in stores, elevators, and that small ramen shack behind the station. And everywhere you go, with every person you see, you have to constantly wonder “Is that person really Japanese?” Because, let’s face it—sometimes it’s hard to tell, even for you. And you’re, you know, Japanese.

Wouldn’t it be great if there were a surefire way to quickly tell whether someone was Japanese, Chinese, Korean, gaijin, or one of those “half” people? Well, now there is! Introducing… Continue reading “New Nihonjin? App Identifies Japanese Faces”

How to Stop Learning Japanese

“Ken Seeroi, you should write a book.” People always say that.

Well, like six people, but that’s still a lot. After my fabulous career as English-teacher-in-Japan, I’m counting on book sales to provide for retirement. I assume each person will buy at least ten thousand copies.

Of course, I could write lots of books if I wasn’t so freaking busy. Look, I’ve got mad stuff to do: shower, trim my eyebrows, study Japanese, lie on the floor surrounded by cans of beer watching YouTube. Those are 4 of the 7 habits of highly effective people. Hey, is it my fault wingsuit videos are so enthralling? I think not. The more I watch, the more I’m convinced that arial stuntman is my true destiny. Naturally, as in all things, beer helps. My potential increases exponentially by the can. At this point, the only thing I’m lacking is money. Well, that and skill. And courage. I was just born underprivileged, is all. Continue reading “How to Stop Learning Japanese”