If you’re a Japanese person (that is, real Japanese, not just like some Korean guy born in Japan), then you know how frustrating it is. Every day, you’re surrounded by crowds of people, in stores, elevators, and that small ramen shack behind the station. And everywhere you go, with every person you see, you have to constantly wonder “Is that person really Japanese?” Because, let’s face it—sometimes it’s hard to tell, even for you. And you’re, you know, Japanese.
Wouldn’t it be great if there were a surefire way to quickly tell whether someone was Japanese, Chinese, Korean, gaijin, or one of those “half” people? Well, now there is! Introducing…
Nihonjin? is a free app for your Android or Apple iOS device that uses state-of-the-art facial recognition technology to conclusively determine whether someone is pure Japanese or not. Simply point your smartphone camera at any face and Nihonjin?’s patent-pending “Nihonjinalyzer” instantly compares eye, nose, and lip shape, along with skin and hair color, against its proprietary database of ideal Japanese faces to provide you with a binary Yes or No. Of course, if it’s Yes, the screen will display the Japanese word はい, and if it’s No, it will display English.
Imagine all the time you’ll save. You’ll no longer need to ask subtle probing questions like “Where’re you from? Sorry, I mean, where were you born?” and “Is one of your parents Japanese? No? Asian? Maybe a grandparent?” Now that’s a thing of the past! Nihonjin? immediately identifies Filipinos, Mongolians, North and South Koreans, and even hard-to-spot hafu with 99.6% accuracy. In the case of Western gaijin, the “No” even spins and flashes in big white letters. Helpful!
Zainichi and Ainu and Burakumin, Oh My!
Do you find yourself wondering about your friends and potential marriage partners? How can you be sure they’re entirely descended from the ethnically pure Yamato and Jomon peoples? Surely you’ve noticed how Hiroshi’s eyelids are slightly different from yours. Isn’t Ami’s skin a little too dark? And what’s up with Risa’s name? Isn’t that just “Lisa” with an “R”? How do you know they aren’t mixed with Zainichi Koreans, Burakumin, or even indigenous Ainu? Well, put those worries to rest. Because Nihonjin? also supports blood analysis! Simply obtain a drop of blood from the person in question, place it on a sterile test strip, and sit back while Nihonjin? performs a DNA-level test to ensure it’s 100% pure Japanese blood. In fact, Nihonjin?’s so sophisticated, it can even identify Japanese people who were born overseas. You’ll rest easy once Nihonjin? reports back that はい, your fiance is pure 純日本人 Japanese. Of course, should the result be No, the app lightly informs you that “Houston, we have a problem.” Hilarious!
Kickstarter Campaign to Raise 8,000,000 Yen
Nihonjin? is currently available to a select number of beta testers. Funding for the initial roll-out is being raised through a Kickstarter campaign, with a target of 8 million yen. Excess funds will be used to benefit underprivileged members of the Zaitokukai.
Nihonjin? includes language support for both Japanese and English, and accesses your device’s front-facing camera to determine which language you’re greeted with. Supplies are limited and experts predict high demand for Nihonjin?, so don’t wait! Pre-order yours today!