How to Write Japanese

How to Write Japanese

You gotta love Anna. Seriously, because everyone loves Anna. She’s a busty, blonde Swiss-German who grew up playing the piano and speaking Swiss. And German. And English. And now she speaks perfect Japanese. God, I hate her. Nah, just kidding. Anna’s okay. In high school, she “picked up” French, Spanish, and Italian. Well, they’re all…

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Going to Alcoholics Anonymous in Japan

Going to Alcoholics Anonymous in Japan

There’s only two things you need to know about being an alcoholic in Japan. The first is why you’ll become one, and the second is how to cure your pickled ass. Fortunately for you, Ken Seeroi has already been there and back, so you’re covered in both departments. So I recently quit drinking. This was…

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Life and Death in Japan

Life and Death in Japan

I woke up, and a beautiful geisha was serving me tea. Ah, every day should be like this. “Here is tea,” she said in a dream-like Japanese voice. “Here is Ken Seeroi,” I replied, “nice to meet you. “You’ll like it. Just try a little. “Think I’ll just go back to sleep now, thanks. “How…

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Going to a Japanese Hospital

Going to a Japanese Hospital

Death is coming for us all. Not to worry though, because I plan to upload myself to iCloud in anticipation of my eventual robot body. Then we’ll see who has abs of steel. Heh, you can keep your reverse crunches. In the meantime, since I still need to maintain the meat body, I went to…

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Why are Japanese so Skinny?

Why are Japanese so Skinny?

The crazy thing about working in a Japanese office is that, while knowing absolutely nothing substantial about your co-workers, you can still observe their most intimate habits. But maybe that’s any office, actually. I mean, when I worked in the U.S., there were a lot of folks I didn’t really know either. Although it seems…

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Casino Theme Parks: Is Japan Finally Giving In?

Casino Theme Parks: Is Japan Finally Giving In?

or, How I Became a Japanese Mercenary Last Tuesday around midnight, I found myself in a little Japanese bar, although I had to work Wednesday morning. I have no self control, basically. A couple seats down was a Japanese salaryman, and since the place was empty, we started chatting, until he suddenly hopped up. “Watch…

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Why Your Japanese Sucks

Why Your Japanese Sucks

It’s not Romaji That’s Evil—-It’s Hiragana I have a new co-worker, who just so happens to be white. It’s very exciting, finally speaking with a real foreigner. I really gotta practice the English more. I think she’s from some place like Kansas, probably because she reminds me of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, albeit…

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Crime in Japan

Crime in Japan

You never know what the day will bring—that’s the exciting thing about waking up. So this morning, just as I was heading out for a fresh can of coffee at the corner 7-11, I noticed somebody’d pasted a scary Japanese note to the windshield of my car. “Contract parking place!!” it said in large, crimson…

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One Japanese Book You Must Read

One Japanese Book You Must Read

You should think twice about taking any advice Ken Seeroi’s got to give. I mean, we’re talking a guy who ditched a sensible life in a first-world country for a freezing, tiny apartment, sleeping on the floor, and eating rice with sticks. So, really? Well, it’s not so bad once I move the shochu boxes…

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How to Learn Kanji, in 10 Steps

How to Learn Kanji, in 10 Steps

I don’t go to a lot of cocktail parties. But somehow when I do, I always meet people studying Japanese. Maybe it’s just me. Or more precisely, people who’ll eventually stop studying, only they don’t know it yet. Here’s how the conversation goes: “Ken! I’m studying Japanese! I’m stoked! And I’m completely serious about improving….

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